the wife will eat.  At least, that was me when I was in college.

When Josh and I got married, I was in my 4th (out of 5) year of college and we were living in Columbia, MO.  Josh was working full time; he would go back to school eventually once I graduated.  Josh is also a member of the Air National Guard and used to be stationed at Lambert in St. Louis, which meant that one weekend a month and for 2 weeks each year he would have to drive back to St. Louis for work.

I absolutely hated it when he had to leave town.  We have been together since my senior year of high school (he is a year younger than me!), so we have spent some time apart during some transitions in each of our lives.  During my first year away at college, he was back home in high school; and let’s not even think about the countless months he spent in Texas for basic training and tech school.  We talked pretty much every day and tried to see each other whenever we could, but it was so hard not to be with him.

Each month when he would leave, I think I had some of my worst binges.  I was…unsupervised.  I didn’t have to sneak food; I could devour it right there on my couch, lost mindlessly in my favorite TV shows.  I didn’t have to try to hide empty wrappers in the trash or feel self-conscious about anyone touching my body that weekend.  So I just ate. 

Thinking about those times makes me very sad.  I know now that I was eating because I didn’t want to feel lonely or scared to be by myself; if I made myself sick by eating, I had an excuse to curl up in a ball the next day and hide.  I felt like I had an excuse to not get dressed up and just wear sweats and not be involved.  I had a very hard time dealing with being alone.  I used to get very upset with myself because I would sometimes look forward to being alone with food; but I don’t know if that really was the case.  Because if I had to choose, I would rather have had Josh there all those weekends instead.  But I think I needed something to look forward to on those weekends, instead of focusing on being alone.

Ok.  I just had to re-read that last sentence because I don’t know where that came from.  But it’s so so true. 

On Monday, Josh has to go out of town for guard training for 2 weeks (he will get to come home over Memorial Day weekend).  And for some reason, these old feelings are coming up again.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve been trying to combat the binge cycle again recently; I’ve been binge-free for the past 3 days, but it’s still in the early stages where I’m still having cravings….and part of my brain is telling me that this is the week when I can “get away with it”.  Go ahead, it tells me; you will be alone and school is almost over so you can just stay in and not have to deal with anything.  I worked really hard to resist those urges today, the ones that tried so hard to convince me to skip the gym and devour a bag of chocolates while Josh was at school. 

But I got through tonight and I know if I just take it one day at a time I can make it through the next 2 weeks.  I know that if I can keep busy and see my friends and family and stay involved, it will be easier.  This is always the critical time; it’s so soon after a binge that my body still doesn’t feel “normal” and it takes everything I have not to keep throwing in the towel night after night.  

In other news, in the past 2 weeks, 3 people close to me have announced pregnancies!!  That’s just insane.  I have been thinking a lot about babies lately…there are days when I’m convinced I’m ready, but it seems surreal to even think about being pregnant anytime soon!  We definitely hope to wait until Josh gets out of school, so I know it probably won’t be for another couple of years, but it’s been hard lately not to think about it

Hi my name is Sara and I’m an obsessive planner. 

This drives my husband absolutely nuts.  He is definitely more laid back than I am.  But I like to know what’s coming.  I like control. 

I love making lists.  I would be lost without my planner.  Sometimes, I’ll do something, then realize it wasn’t on my list, and then write it down just to feel the satisfaction of crossing it off.

(Please tell me I’m not alone here! )

Sometimes planning really works to my advantage.  I am very organized and that works well with my job.  I love having every detail of my lessons planned and know exactly what has to happen each day.  It worked well when I taught aerobics because I always knew my routines to a “T” and hardly ever missed a beat. 

Planning also can be very very helpful to me with my compulsive eating.  If I have a meal planned, or a week’s worth of meals, it can be very hard for me to want to deviate from that plan because once it’s planned, it’s set in stone!!  I love not having to think about what I am going to cook for dinner each night or bring for lunch…there is a security in planning it all out at the end of each week.

As you can imagine, however, this also works very much against me.  It has taken a lot of practice for me to become more flexible, such as with weekend activity plans, and of course, things don’t always go my way when I’m in the middle of teaching a lesson.  It’s also very hard for me to relax.  But, I am getting better at “winging it” in those situations.  For example, because I’ve been teaching aerobics going on 8 years, I feel pretty confident if I absolutely HAD to, I could teach a decent class on a whim.  It might not be quite up to my standards, but I could do it.

Yet even though with so many un-planned encounters on the food-front, I have not yet mastered “winging-it”.  Take Friday night at the track meet:  I had done well with eating all day, and after school I had a Clif Bar, knowing that the meet wouldn’t be done until 9.  I had planned on picking up Subway after the meet and then eating some ice cream when I got home. 

I thought the Clif Bar would be enough to hold me over, because it had been the last time I worked at a meet.  But on Friday, I got sooo hungry.  Stomach growling hunger that was painful.  All the workers were given tickets for free food, except the free food consisted of chips, candy bars, soda, or soft pretzels.  I held off for as long as I could, and then decided to just eat a pretzel.

It wasn’t the fact that I had been denying myself a pretzel; I don’t even think that was the worst choice.  But my “plan” had been thrown all off-course.  I tried to rationalize with myself that the pretzel was probably about the same amount of calories as a sandwich, and if I wasn’t hungry when the meet was over I would just eat some ice cream at home, but something inside me just snapped; before I knew it the meet was over, I was pulling into Walgreens and buying a bag of hershey kisses.  Before the night was over, I had eaten 3/4 of that bag, 2 breadsticks and pasta from Fazoli’s, AND my ice cream. 

I felt so incredibly defeated.  The whole thing is a blur…I tried not to think about it while it was happening (on purpose) because I knew I could have talked myself out of it.  I just didn’t want to. 

All because of one tiny bump in my “plans”.  I just don’t get it.

The rest of the weekend was not bad.  I tried to pick up the pieces and eat as well as I could.  It wasn’t perfect, but I had some great times with friends and family that I do not regret whatsoever.  I didn’t feel so good today (you think I would learn), but I got in a fantastic workout and am hoping that my system will be totally refreshed by tomorrow.

Any other planners out there?  How do you deal when things go off course?

Click for today’s eats & exercise

I don’t know whether I should admit this or not, but since we’re all for honesty around here: pretty much each day this week, I have eaten 400 calories worth of fat free frozen yogurt for dessert (Stonyfield Farms After Dark Chocolate….divine). 

On one hand, I feel kind of ashamed for doing this; 400 calories seems like a lot for something I used to deem forbidden.  On the other hand, I’ve been exercising every day, working it into my allotted calories, and not bingeing.  I’ve really looked forward to having dessert each day, yes.  But it’s still that peaceful, controlled eating, where I know I am having a certain amount and I can just sit and savor it.  And I think I’ve been less stressed about it since I haven’t been forcing myself to have just one small, half cup serving.  I’ve told myself that since I love ice cream (or any dessert for that matter, but it’s been ice cream lately!) and I love eating a larger quantity of ice cream, I can have it.  If I workout and don’t go over my calorie budget for the day.

However, I’m trying really hard to find that balance between wanting to look a certain way and gain control over my compulsive eating.  I will admit: I have such body envy.   I watched my taped Dancing with the Stars last night and I have to say I would LOVE to have a body like ex-bachelor star Melissa!!  The thing is, if I’m eating 400 calories worth of ice cream every night, chances are I probably won’t get abs quite like I want.  BUT….if I don’t eat enough dessert to satisfy me, then from past experiences I know it will lead to emotional eating and bingeing.

So there’s the dilemma. 

I know I need to work on mindset first; I need to get this compulsive eating under control (so far still so good this month!).  It is NOT healthy, nor acceptable for me to continue bingeing.  It’s not healthy to consume thousands of calories of junk in one sitting.  I know it needs to be more important for me right now to be able to have a healthy relationship with food than it is to lose the 15-20 pounds I would like to lose.  I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact that it is going to take time, probably lots of time.  And while I like how I look right now, I’m trying to accept the fact that no matter how hard I train, because of these issues, it might be a while before I start seeing the kind of results I would truly like.

I hope everyone has a good Friday :)  I am off to work at another track meet…thank goodness it stopped raining!!

It’s been forever since I’ve done a run on a track, but last night reminded me how much I like it!  The speed workout session was so much fun.  It was the first session of the season and a ton of people showed up (maybe 60?) to participate.  When I got there, I warmed up with an easy 2 laps and introduced myself to a few people (everyone I met was really nice!).  Runners really are such a great group of people, so friendly and supportive of one another. 

When it was time to get started, the members of the running club who are leading these sessions had us break into groups based on our goal 5k time.  I haven’t run a 5k in ages, so I had no idea what a good goal was.  I decided on 24 minutes, or about an 8 minute mile pace. 

The workout for the evening was 10 x 400, with a 200 m jog in between.  The people in my group were supposed to do each lap in 2 minutes.  I thought that our leader would be running with us to pace us, but it turns out they just stood at the start line with a timer and called out our times as we finished our lap.  Since I had no idea what pace I was running at, I just ran at what felt comfortable and ended up doing the lap in 1:45.  I stayed within the range of 1:45-1:55 for each of the 10 laps.  It went by so fast, and it was a lot of fun to meet the people in my group and run with some new people!

Each week there are different workouts planned aimed at helping increase speed and improving race times.  It’s about a 25 minute drive for me, but I’m planning on going ever Tuesday this summer!  I had a blast.  I didn’t see the girl I ran the marathon with, but hopefully I will at some point.  Hopefully the runs will help me improve my times at my races this fall and set some PR’s!  Now that I have a time to beat for the marathon and all

In other news, my very best friend told me the other day that she is pregnant!!! :)  I’m so excited for her.  And I can’t tell anyone yet that we know, so I’m telling you all.  I’ve known Julie since I was in 2nd grade and she is going to be such a great Mom.  It seems so surreal that she is pregnant!  I’m glad she’s going through it first, that way I can learn from her down the road…a couple years down the road hopefully!  There are a lot of times lately when I wonder if we are ready to have kids yet, and then there are things that make me think probably not :)  But I love kids so much and Josh and I can’t wait to have our own someday, if it’s in the cards for us.

Time for bed!  Sleep is going to feel so good tonight!

Hi all!  I’ve been doing well.  This will have to be quick; tonight I am going to a local high school to meet with a running group and do some speed training!  They meet every Tuesday evening and this will be my first time joining them…I’m very nervous!  But excited to meet some other runners :)  The girl who I ran the marathon with told me about this group, so hopefully she will be there too!  Wish me luck!

Speaking of the marathon, I watched an amazing documentary on Saturday night called “The Spirit of the Marathon”…anyone else seen it?  Sooo motivating.  And maybe it is because I have just ran my first marathon, but I had goosebumps at so many parts of the movie :)  I think it’s only available through Netflix (or I think you can download it on iTunes) but I really recommend it to all you runners!!

Life has just been busy.  We’re doing color guard clinics and tryouts this week so a lot of my time is taken up after school.  So posting will be sporadic, although I’m trying to keep up :)  Just know that I’ve been doing great since the first of the month…some thoughts going on in my head that I’m still trying to sort out, but more on that later.

A couple of pics of the non-boring food in my life lately:

A good friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months and her shower was this weekend.  I LOVE getting the cake with the flower icing!  No one else ever seems to want it, the crazies.

Food selection was sparse there (I’m picky) so I had some fruit and part of a soft pretzel (they had a great local pretzel co. make a huge pretzel in the shape of their wedding date).  Then there were these little chocolate mint candies that were so yummy.  I was going to take some extras before I left, but I forgot…probably a good thing

From last night’s dinner:

Also so good!  I made a broccoli bake with swiss, light mayo, lemon juice, and onions.  And then had a chicken burger from Aldi’s cooked on the George Foreman.   Can’t beat one of those in a pinch!

Ok, off to run!  Let’s hope I’m not the slowest one there!

The first day after a binge-streak is always the hardest for me.  It’s hard because you feel like complete crap, yet you really want to change and you want that instant gratification of feeling better immediately.  But when you don’t feel better, when you feel bloated and sick and ashamed, it’s hard to move forward.  It’s much easier to tell yourself that since you already feel awful, what’s one more day?  I’m not going to feel better today anyways, so why not keep eating?

Read the rest of this entry »

Hi guys!  I’ve been such a bad blogger this week!!  I’m not gonna lie, I’ve not been doing good.  It’s been an emotional week, and I have definitely eaten my way through it.

Thanks so much to those of you who offered words of comfort and concern.  I’m hanging in there and things could definitely be worse!  I have been very busy with work and randomness (and working on the new layout!!) and I hope to resume regular posting very shortly (and catch up on all your blogs!).  I just really don’t want to disappoint people, especially to everyone who has looked to me as a source of inspiration.  I haven’t been feeling it the past few days that’s for sure.  What I have been feeling is a mix of sadness, shame, regret, worry, uncertainty, pain, and a pinch of happiness strewn about

So I’m down, but definitely not out.  I’m looking forward to the start of a new month tomorrow as a fresh start…yeah I know it’s cliche, but I’m hoping I can pull some motivation from it.  I have a few more tweaks to make to the site (but nothing major), a new training plan in progress (foot is still sore but getting better everyday!) and a new pair of shoes in the mail from the $100 gift card I won for onlineshoes.com from Amanda!!  (They’re New Balance WR769KM…I’ve been wearing these since they were 765’s and I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that they are even MORE PINK now!!)  If that isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is

So TGIF tomorrow!  Can’t wait to catch up with everyone.

What a rough few days.  I really needed more sleep than I got last night, but at least it is a new day and I have a better perspective on things than I did yesterday.  I feel like I’ve been walking around in a fog the past few days, with little under my control.

I read Jenna’s post yesterday and everything just hit me again.  I can’t even imagine what she is going through.  A really close friend of mine lost her brother earlier this year which was tough.  And on Thursday night, a husband of a friend at work took his life and everything has been overwhelming since then.  The funeral was yesterday, and I don’t know how any of us made it through the school day.  I didn’t really know him that well, but it just makes you think about a lot of things.

I can relate a lot to what Jenna said…about not really ever having experienced death first-hand, how these kinds of things don’t just “happen to us”; I am very fortunate that I still have all of my grandparents and close relatives.  But it’s been hard to see those close to me go through these tragedies because it makes it seem so possible.  And this is going to sound terribly morbid, but whatever…because I feel SO blessed, SO lucky to be surrounded by people I love and have NOT experienced anything personally so tragic, sometimes I can’t help but think…so what’s going to happen?  Nobody is ever THIS lucky.  What is around the corner?  I’m just paranoid like that, and I have to push those thoughts out of my head.

So the past couple of days have been hectic.  I have been fumbling and scatterbrained at home and work and eating has not been well.  We are giving state tests this week which adds to the craziness.  When I feel bad, cardio helps, but I’m still out of commission on that front.  That’s been one of the hardest parts.  After a binge, a good sweat session really helps clear my head and makes me feel fresh and re-energized…but I’m going to have to try to move on today without that.  I know I can do it…life is just way too short to be consumed with this foolishness.

Sorry to be such a downer this morning.  Just writing this has helped, and I KNOW I am going to have a successful day today.  I have to.  So many of you are such an inspiration to me, and I have to remember that this is now a place I can turn to for kindness and support, instead of food.

In an attempt to lighten the mood (and make myself laugh) I’ll leave you with my dogs playing with the laser pointer (that we originally bought for our cat might I add).  The laser pointer is the best toy ever.  We keep it in a drawer and Itsy knows just where it is…every day after I get home, she runs from her crate and sits patiently in front of the drawer until I play with her :)  In the second video, Josh is playing with them, and he likes to make them do circles and send them crashing into walls (which I don’t think is very funny, but the dogs can’t get enough!!)

Ok, I feel better now!

Just because you ran a marathon doesn’t mean that you will be able to run 5 miles the next weekend at a 7 1/2 miles per hour pace.  Yes you ARE a rockstar, but come on.

In 85 degree weather?

I made it about 3.5 miles before completely losing steam.  I walked about 1/2 mile, then ran 1 more at a considerably slower pace. 

Then, I started to get a stabbing pain in the bottom/side of my left foot.  Dammit.  I had to limp the rest of the way to the car, as I was about 1/2 mile away at that point.

Seriously.  I’m pretty ticked at myself.  I have never been injured before, and I’m not prepared to start!  I am icing right now, so hopefully that will help.  Did I just not give myself enough rest?  I felt fine when I ran on Thursday and the first part of the run today, so I don’t know.

Off to run some errands (Michael’s, Dierbergs…) and then to see my parents & grandparents tonight.  They are barbequeing at their place!  I am trying not to be anxious in not knowing what type of food will be there…I know about how many calories I will have left, so I will just have to make the best possible choices I can. 

Hopefully my foot will stop hurting!!

It’s been a couple of low-key days around here, and I’m so glad it’s the weekend!  My grandparents are in town, so I’m looking forward to seeing them tomorrow.  The weather is going to be gorgeous, so I’m also looking forward to a nice run at the lake tomorrow morning!  I can’t believe I’m finally at the point where I love running…I actually craved it at the beginning of the week and really hated having to take a couple of days off.  I did an easy 2 miles on Thursday and today I worked out on the elliptical for about an hour.  Getting outside this weekend should be fun!  Unfortunately I also have to mow my lawn at some point, which has to be one of my least favorite chores.

I’m working on putting together a training schedule for my fall races, which really is fun for me :)  I am going to try to include more weight training in my workouts (which I get so bored with…I really need a good weight training plan!) and some yoga.  I don’t stretch nearly as often as I should!  Today I also ordered a photo from the race; I can’t wait to get it so I can work on a shadowbox with my race momentos! 

Two days worth of eats:

Thursday

• 1/2 c. oats w/cinnamon & Erin Baker’s peanut butter granola (340) - This stuff was GOOD!  I have never had granola in my oats before, and this was very nutty and had great flavor. 

• Salad w/2 T ceasar dressing (220) sf jello (10)
• Clif bar (250)
• apple w/2 T pb (270)
• Homemade turkey burger (240) - I just mixed some ground turkey with an egg and some garlic salt and threw it on the George Foreman.  I love garlic and these were tasty!

• Brown rice mixed with some broccoli and cheese (220) - great combo, why haven’t I don’t this sooner?

• sf pudding (130)

Total cals: 1680 (230 burned w/exercise)

Friday

• 3/4 c. Kashi Go Lean! w/honey Oikos (170) turkey sausage (120)
• WW wrap w/spinach, chicken, & laughing cow (240) banana (110)
• Clif bar (250)
• apple (80)
• Leftover pasta from the other night (310)
• DQ Blizzard (680) - Friday night ritual :)  I made sure to leave room!!

Total cals: 1960 (460 burned w/exercise)

Have a great weekend!