So…

There have been a lot of things lately keeping me away from the blog!

WHERE HAS THE SUMMER GONE???  You would think, as a teacher, that summer would be relaxing and stress-free, but NOPE.  Although I’ve been busy and stressed, it’s been a GOOD, and productive busy and stressed.

I ran another half-marathon a couple of weeks ago and got a personal best: 2 hours and 8 minutes.  About 4 minutes shaved off of my fastest time, which I accomplished about 4 years ago.  It was a rather humbling race, and it is completely my fault that I didn’t reach my sub-2 hour goal, but I’ll take it.  But you can bet that I will reach that goal in September at the Lewis & Clark half!

Anyway, I found that it has been good to take some time away from blogging.  I was getting really wrapped up in thinking about what to post each day and commenting on other blogs that it started to hinder my progress rather than help me.  Reading some blogs has been triggering for me (although some have continued to inspire me each and every day!!) and I realized that although I started blogging to 1) share a new perspective on binge eating disorder, and 2) keep myself accountable, that’s not what I ended up doing.  I got too wrapped up in creating a “great blog”, when behind the scenes I was doing all the wrong, unhealthy things.  I don’t want a dishonest blog, or one where I only post about the good days.  On the other hand, I don’t want a blog where I bitch and moan about only the hard times.  I love blogging and the number of people I have met through this blog, but I need to figure out if I have a different perspective to offer, or what the purpose of this whole thing really is going to be.   

On bingeing (proceed with caution):

It’s like they say, the curse of being a teacher…you are an expert (your students are not).  You can see things they can’t, and at times it feels so obvious that you wonder how the hell they are missing the point.  Because it’s so clear to you!

I am in NO WAY an expert on this topic by any means!!  BUT, after what feels like many many years of going through this and finally uncovering some answers, I will say I have been feeling pretty enlightened recently.

I am disheartened reading about people having unrealistic expectations regarding “stopping bingeing”.  It takes A LONG TIME to work through this.  I am just now getting it after 6 or 7 years!!  I used bingeing as a crutch and only recently have been able to allow myself to realize that it is a defense, a way to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF; and I have to WORK to turn that around.  No bs “plan” or “get ripped quick” diet is going to fix the bingeing.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 

I have realized that the minute I say, “I want to do a challenge and go 100 days without bingeing”, I will probably binge.  Because just saying I am going to do a challenge doesn’t CHANGE anything!!  The reasons for bingeing are still there.  It was a very freeing moment when I realized that even though tomorrow is a new month and I would love to be “binge-free!” I most likely will binge at some point.  I will not be perfect.  AND THAT’S OKAY. 

I’ve found that it’s a spiraling process.  It started, for me, with just bingeing.  For years.  Finally, I am doing the work I need to do to understand why those binges happened.  It’s unrealistic for me to think at this point I will not binge.  But now I realize why I am doing it.  I realize that I am using food, and sometimes I may still choose to use food in an abusive way.  It doesn’t make me a bad person!!  It just means that I am a work in progress.  Period.  And works in progress are never perfect.

Last Friday, I had a day off.  I was feeling very overwhelmed with things that needed to get done around the house, and I was feeling like I did not want to run the 12 miles I was supposed to run on Saturday morning.  I KNEW I was feeling these things.  So, I ate.  Included in what I ate was an entire carton of cookies and cream ice cream, 3 balls of cookie dough and 4 cookies, 2 vita tops, 1/2 package of triscuits…and that was just the morning.  Dinner was pasta con broccoli, potato skins, and more ice cream w/m&m’s.  If that weren’t bad enough, the binge continued until Sunday night.

I knew what I was doing.  I knew that making myself sick meant that I could not possibly run on Saturday morning.  Eating was better than cleaning.  I made that choice.  Food did the trick for me that weekend, it met those needs.  However, the important thing is that I am realizing now that I need to start working on other actions that meet those needs, now that I’ve identified them.  Or coming up with action plans to put into place so that I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore.

I don’t know if I’m quite ready to do that.  But really, until I put in the work to make those plans, I can’t expect not to binge again.  I also have to realize that by NOT making those plans and doing the work, will that really help me reach the goals I want to set for myself?  Bingeing is clearly not good for my body.  So the fewer and farther in between binges, the better.  I’m getting to that place.

I’m sick of not talking about it.  I know some people maybe are turned off or triggered by reading about binge-eating, but I need to write it down for ME.  Maybe for some people it will help.  I don’t know.  But what I ate last weekend was not just simple overeating; what is going on with my body physically is a direct representation of what is going on inside my head. 

A year ago, I wouldn’t have even recognized that.  So although the bingeing continues, it’s progress.  I think that one of the hardest first steps is letting go of judgement (so hard!!).  And that when you succomb to multiple urges to binge, IT’S OKAY.  You’re still an okay person, who happens to binge.  Again, I feel almost enlightened because for so many years I have been beating myself up every time I binged, which led to more and more eating and just encouraging the cycle.  If you are bingeing now, it’s for a reason; it’s a solution to some problem you are dealing with.  If you don’t like it as a solution, then you DO have the power to pick a new solution.  And if you choose to binge, then that is the choice you make and have to deal with.  And you have to deal with the consequences.  I think that right there has been what’s changed me in the past couple of months.

Too much rambling, I know!  It all makes sense in my head anyway :)  Enough for tonight, though.  I have 13 miles to run tomorrow, and I chose not to let a binge stand in the way of that, so I had better get a good night’s sleep!