hard work
I’m still here! It’s been a very busy week for me, which is why I haven’t had time to post much; summer school started and so did training for the Chicago Marathon! I have still been reading all of your blogs, which as always, has been a great source of inspiration for me.
I’d like to talk about some of the things I have been doing this past week that has helped me to be successful, and that also means sharing some things about a binge I had last week. If reading about binges/calories/etc. is triggering at all to you, please don’t jump!
Last Friday, after all of my success at my conference on Thursday and all that I thought I was overcoming, I binged. I binged during work, after work, and after the concert. I don’t really know why…I absolutely loved the conference I attended, and I had some really interesting conversations with colleagues. I was really looking to going to that concert with my mom (which was a BLAST!) also. But I was just compelled to eat. I WANTED to eat, and I did. I ate a lot.
Here’s the thing that was different about this binge, though. I didn’t necessarily feel frantic, like all hope was lost. I realized what I was doing. And I realized that for every action, there is a reaction. You see, normally when I binge, I try to forget it ever happened, and I live in denial; I won’t write the food down in my journal, and I won’t count the calories. I’ll just throw in the towel. But last Friday, for the first time ever, I took ownership for my actions and wrote down EVERYTHING I ate, and calculated the calories. And I can’t believe I am going to post this, but the damage was 4240 calories. Holy shit. Sadly, I don’t think that number even comes close to topping some of my worst binges.
So I realized, that left me with an excess of 2940 calories. That was how much over my daily allowence I really was. And I decided that, you know what? If I am going to eat, then I need to use that energy; that’s the only way I will make it to my weight loss goals. I need to be realistic and face facts.
That meant that this week I have dedicated myself to burning off those calories from that binge. However, in the past, I would have starved myself and over-exercised to do that…this was very different. Normally, I eat 1800 cals and burn 500 each day through exercise; this week I have eaten around 1300-1400 each day, and the calories I burned went towards the number of cals I binged on. If I ate over 1300 each day, that just contributed to the excess.
And let me tell you, it has taken me ALL WEEK to burn off those calories in a healthy way. I just finished today. It has really put things in a new perspective for me. I know counting calories can seem really counter-intuitive for someone struggling with food, but I’m a numbers gal, and seeing those numbers really helped. It felt good this week to not avoid the fact that I binged, and just accept it and move on. As a result, that one night of bingeing did not lead to a week-long binge that involved shame and regret. I realized just how much energy is needed to burn off the calories I can consume in just a couple of hours. And I also realized that if there is ever a night where I DO binge, for whatever reason, that it IS possible to undo the damage, and all is not lost. It just takes a lot of hard work. But that mentality has taken me through the last 25 days with only that one binge under my belt, which is a huge accomplishment for me.
There have also been two other blogs I have found this week that I can really relate to. The writers both said things that really resonated with me. The first blog is written by Lauren. She recently posted about her thoughts on why she binged, and she said that one of the reasons was possibly to create drama in her life. I realized that I sometimes feel the same way…that from the outside, my life looks really pretty good (and it is!) that sometimes it seems like I have manifested this disorder as a way to keep some drama in my life. I also realized that in the past, I have used bingeing as a way to draw attention to myself. If I feel neglected or like I’m not being paid attention to, bingeing and having a mini-breakdown pretty much guarantees that I will be getting some attention (usually from Josh, because he is the only one who really knows about what I go through with this, and he is the one that’s with me the most!) and comfort. I never really thought about that until today.
The other blog that I found is written by Sarah. She made the point that sometimes, we just have to do something because we’ve made a commitment to ourselves, even though we don’t always WANT to do it. For example, she says we don’t always WANT to go to work, but we made the commitment to our boss, our co-workers, or whoever, and we just do it because it’s important. There were numerous times this week where I didn’t WANT to work out, but I just went out and did it anyway because working out is important for me to do in order to live a healthy life. So I thought that was a great comparison. Both Lauren and Sarah are great, so go check them out!
Time for bed. It’s been a great (but exhausting!) week, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot and will keep moving forward no matter what.
June 14th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Honestly, kudos to you. I think you took a very mature route in dealing with your recent “binge”. I too am a numbers gal and it is so much easier to not acknowledge your actions when you don’t write them down.
June 14th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Thank you for the blog recs - I’ll definitely check them out. I’m so glad to hear that you were able to put the binge in perspective and move on!! I remember getting a lot of perspective on what I considered “overeating” when I took pictures of everything I ate - what you did is similar: not denying the fact that you did it!
June 14th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Thanks, Melissa! That means a lot to me to hear you say
June 14th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
So glad to have you posting again. I’ve been looking at your blog like a hawk waiting for a new post. I’m so proud of you. I’m in a really strange spot myself right now and know soon I’m going to have to really buckle down and take charge. I’m just having a really hard time finding motivation. I know all the reasons. I know I just need to DO IT, but it’s not always that easy, eh? Anyway, I’m so very proud of you friend.
June 14th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Hey Sara,
I kind of had the same experience yesterday: conscious bingeing. Well, except it wasn’t bingeing just like you said. But I completely relate to you, the numbers do help! It makes sense when you see it. Before I used to binge and not know how much I ate, so when I gained I just thought it was because I ate x amount of calories, when I had actually eaten x² amount of calories (to use mathematical terms :P)
Mucho respect for viewing it as a learning experience, I do to! Tomorrow is a new day!
xxx
June 14th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
How ironic that you post this today… A day where I had a binge too. Reading your entry has made me feel more motivated to find the TRIGGERS behind my binges. I know that feeling where you just want to eat and eat and eat. Not even because you’re hungry, but just because you feel compelled to! Thanks for the motivating words, and for motivating me to fight these habits!
June 14th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
It really sounds like you are making progress! And one binge in 25 days is a huge accomplishment. It really is.
It’s so easy to get discouraged after a binge, but you picked yourself up and made the rest of the week POSITIVE. You didn’t let it get you down! I think the realizations you are making are very important, too. I know (for me) that when I binge it is because of how I am FEELING, and if we can figure that part out, the “symptom” (binging) will go out the door hopefully.
I’m so excited for your marathon training!
June 14th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I really admire you for talking about your binge. I have struggled a lot in the past with the “binge” and “starvation” cycle and I still find it hard to talk about. But as soon as you acknowledge something you can start to change it.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I admire you for the way you handled the situation this time around.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Hi! I know it may sound weird and a little backwards, but I really think you could look at your binge (and the week following it) as a success. You didn’t lose control and were mentally present for the “incident.” I think it’s important to test ourselves and see how we’d react when in a situation that has previously caused us anxiety. It’s encouraging to read about how well-grounded you kept yourself while burning those extra calories off the “smart” way.
Thanks for the two new blogs, I’ll definitely be checking them out!
June 15th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I also very rarely count the calories consumed during a binge. When I have, the number scared me but I never really took your approach to really work it off. I like that. I hope this is a new way for you to prevent or deal with binges. Good luck!
Hope marathon training is going well!!
June 15th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I also really admire you for being honest with yourself ( and us) that you ate “too much” but realized, its not about crazy extremes. Its about hard work and staying true to your ultimate goals! Healthy exercise to use energy appropriately is the best thing you could do!
June 15th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
WOW, i am so impressed! you are really courageous to really take responsibility for the binge - you should be so proud of yourself. whenever i binge, i go into complete denial about how it will affect my body, but your approach totally puts into perspective - how much energy it takes to burn those extra calories. i had a wake-up call of my own when i tried on a pair of jeans and they were a bit more snug than they were last week .. just goes to show that i can’t deny that my bingeing is taking a toll on my body and that i need to own up and take control of my eating patterns. but really, you should be super proud of yourself - 25 days without bingeing is a huge accomplishment, and the way you handled this binge just goes to show that you are improving and changing old patterns. congrats!
p.s. thanks for the shoutout
June 16th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Sara, I am blown away by this post. I have so much respect for how you handled that binge. I don’t think I would ever have the courage to do that. I have been pretty good about not bingeing recently but unfortunately I am just eating MORE during meals to avoid an all-out binge.
I checked out Lauren’s blog and love it, too. There is so much I can relate to in what you girls write. I definitely feel that sometimes I need the drama or a “project.”
Thank you for sharing this, you have helped me tremendously with your honesty.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
You are the coolest woman ever. One for being so brave to talk about your issues with binging and how you are overcoming it and two for being so straightforward and not taking crap when dealing with it!!
June 18th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I appreciate your honesty! I’m sure you are a great inspiration to many readers. Continued good luck!
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
This really put things into perspective for me - realizing just how much work goes into burning off all the extra calories I consumer during those moments of weakness (or wanting to “numb out”). I loved this post - so honest…I appreciate you putting it out there for all of us! I hope you’re well..
July 4th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Great post sweety! It’s tough, isn’t it? There’s no straight set of instructions on how to beat these things - you just have to figure out what works for you! I think you handled it awesomely - you really made yourself learn a lesson, without being harsh. Well done!
July 10th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
I hope you are doing well. I miss your posts