just me and the pups
My computer is being weird tonight and I can’t stop it :) None of the pictures want to show up on any webpages, and the internet is crazy slow. Of course it had to happen when the computer genius is out of town! I’m so glad Josh gets to come back on Friday. And I can’t wait for the long weekend; it’s kind of a bummer that we have classes still on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week (Wednesday is our last day), but at least they are half days!
I know it probably seems like I have been neglecting the blog lately, and I don’t mean to! Since I’ve started the blog, posting regularly and reading other blogs has really helped me stay on-course with my goals, and the advice from all of you has been worth more than you know. In struggling with my eating the past few weeks, I have been short on material to post about (you have listened to me complain quite enough! ;)), and I have just been dis-interested in things overall. But I really feel like I am coming around. It’s sinking in again.
The speedwork-training session with the running group I joined met tonight, but I decided to stay home and use the time to just relax and re-focus. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what is important to me, and what I need to do to reach my goals. I printed off a calendar and actually wrote out my training plan for the Chicago Marathon, and that was extremely motivating to me; I need to kick it into gear pretty quickly and stop slacking if I want to meet the goals I set a few weeks back. I don’t know why I was putting off writing the training plan…I had meant to do it weeks ago. For some reason I kept pushing it to the bottom of my to-do list. But you all know how much I thrive on structure, and something about having those miles committed to on a piece of paper is giving me a sense of purpose, something I have been lacking since the marathon last month (has it really been that long??). I don’t mean to sound like my only purpose is my running (far from it!) but I am very goal-oriented and am excited to start a new round of training.
It’s so interesting to me how without that training plan, my exercise so easily falls by the wayside. Last week I had some great workouts, because I planned them out. Why do I feel that without it in writing, I have no obligations to stick to my goals? Why is it that if I don’t plan out my meals meticulously, I feel that it gives me free reign to binge? All things I am still working to understand. I ordered a book yesterday that was recommended to me by a friend called “It’s Not About Food” that I am really looking forward to reading. I am hesitant to believe that it will “cure” my disorder, because how many books have I read where I said, this is it! and never binged again? Nada. But I will take any bit of insight it can offer, and who knows.
One last thing. I had the thought recently that maybe this disorder is something that I have manifested in myself so that I can have this “secret”. This secret that no one else knows; that even though someone on the outside might think my life looks so perfect…if only they knew. In some ways, this disorder makes me feel special, and deserving of attention (as messed up as that is). It gives me something to blame. I mean, I have proven that I can go without bingeing. I did it for almost a year recently. And the thing that compelled me most to binge again was the feeling that I had lost something, lost a part of myself, in stopping the compulsive overeating.
Ok, I really need to stop thinking…I thought this would be a short post, but they never turn out that way :) I guess that’s just a little about what’s been going on in my head. Lots to think about and analyze (which I love to do!).
I am taking in all you have to say, and am doing well. I am going to try to resume food pics and exercise updates (when time allows me to!) to hold myself accountable. My target cal intake for each day is 1800 (my BMR + activity level), and I plan on trying to burn 500 cals each day through exercise until I reach my goal weight. But I am going to be flexible day to day, as long as I burn about 3500 cals each week and have a weekly calorie intake of 12600. I might even weigh in tomorrow, something that I have avoided lately but need to do because I need that starting point. I’m a little nervous about it though, so we’ll see.
Have a GREAT night. Thanks for all you do - each and every one of you are inspiring to me and I have learned so much about myself through you in this short amount of time.
Peace 
May 19th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Just offering my support. I’ve really been going BAD the last week. And I just sat here and downed like half a bag of honey wheat pretzels. I really didn’t need all them.
It seems like I’m forever gaining control and then turning around and losing it. I say let the past be in the past and tomorrow is a new day!!
May 20th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Hi Sara,
I think it’s so great that you took the time for yourself (no blogging or running) to do your training plan. Like you said, it makes you feel great and stick to your goals.
About the “disorder,” I often wonder if I am purposely (but subconsciouly) creating drama with my weight because I’m kind of bored these days. Sometimes these issues that we make so complicated often have a simple answer. You might be on to something there!
After some thought I think I decided that not weighing in for a couple weeks really helped me. It was tough at first. I kept trying and trying to stop but each day I would get up and do it. Finally, when I saw a number I liked, THEN I was able to put away the scale for a couple weeks. I play weird head games with myself and wanted to leave it on a positive note. I don’t know if that helps you at all but maybe taking a break will be a good exercise for you, too. Even just a couple weeks has given me a huge sense of trust in myself!
May 20th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Glad the training plan is giving you a new boost. I get through periods of general lack of interest too, and then somehow everything clicks. I’m glad to be on the good side again
Don’t think too much about the hubs being gone. Plan some things you can’t do when he’s around. Lots of girly shows perhaps?
May 20th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Ohhh man, Sarah, you hit the nail on the head with the “identity” thing!!! When I restricted my food, I felt like I had something special—a secret that nobody else knew about—a part of myself that nobody else could touch—something I simultaneously loved and hated. And when I’m feeling lost it is SO tempting to go back there. But I have to keep reminding myself that, contrary to what I kept telling myself, I WASN’T happy, and I don’t ever want to go back there.
Just know that you are stronger than your desire to binge! Only you have the power to say “I owe myself something better than the guilt that will ALWAYS follow a binge, contrary to what I might think right now.”
May 20th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Don’t apologize at all! I know when I used to teach, these last few weeks are the longest of the year. I just wanted to come home and crash every single night!
I am glad you are feeling good about things. I know EXACTLY what you mean about being motivated to work out and eat well when it is all planned. I think that is okay, but I do tend to get the “blues” when I’m not training for something. For right now it’s been working for me, and I don’t see myself every being a “spur of the moment” kind of gal when it comes to eating and exercising.
I am so excited for you that you are training for your next marathon soon! How long is your training program?
And that is interesting what you said about having a “secret.” I never, ever thought about it that way - as having something to blame. For so long when I had my ED, this was completely true for me. If life got rough? It was because of my ED. Or, if life got rough, I would use my ED as my way to cope. It’s good that you’ve realized that about yourself. Sometimes when we make those realizations, we can slowly but surely begin to change how we deal with things (in a positive way). And you are exactly right - you were binge free for a whole year…that is so huge! So you can absolutely do this.
I hope the rest of your week goes well - and glad you have a long weekend with the hubby coming home!
May 20th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
aw hunnie!
I think that for sure, having a “secret” and getting “attention” are components to eating disorders. HOWEVER, I also know there are chemical imbalances, media, environmental factors, and behavioral aspects and cognitive processes that are also involved. ( Aside from being diagnosed with an e.d, I have studied and research eating disorders for alot of college and grad projects).
So I know its hard when you get down on yourself, it seems like inactivity, or lack of attention or lack of productivity can be at fault. What seems fantastic to me, is that you realize this is going on AND those are things that you can do things about. Could you try to find even more ways you can get the attention that you need (all of us need attention so its not like you are strange for wanting it!) Ask for it from you hubby, or people like your parents/in-laws that I’m sure totally want to give you attention!?! Do you think you could volunteer or something like that? Or maybe focus on a new interest for awhile, like taking up rock climbing- you will have to get attention from the instructor right? Something new might keep you busier and feeling like you are more productive, which could all be helpful. I know I function best when I have the most on my plate, because I just have to, I don’t have time to reflect or feel bad, ya know?
It sounds like you are doing awesome with it all- by stepping back to create your Chicago training plan instead of blogging or running-
You go girl! I would love to do the Chicago Marathon - when are you doing it?
Hope today is wonderful for you!
May 22nd, 2009 at 5:52 am
“I have been short on material to post about (you have listened to me complain quite enough! ;)), and I have just been dis-interested in things overall. But I really feel like I am coming around. It’s sinking in again.”
Good luck with getting going again - you can do it!
That is so me! I’m trying to get back into the groove. As a prezzie to myself I’ve ordered a HRM and hopefully that will add some new motivation, as beating my brand-spanking new first 5K time
May 26th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I realize that this is 6 days late, but I haven’t had much access to a computer lately. I hope everything is going ok and that you had a great weekend with your hubby! *BIG HUGS*
Also, re: the book, the one thing I have done is taken one thing away from each diet I’ve been on and added it to my knowledge of what would get me closer to my goals. So, I don’t think the book has to be “the cure,” but it can help you get closer to “the cure.”
May 27th, 2009 at 6:19 am
The blog isn’t about us- it’s about you! Take whatever time you need off whenever
My computer genius is out of town for the whole month- my life definitely isn’t operating as smoothly as when he’s home!