habit forming
I am truly appreciative of all the comments and advice everyone has given me. I’m having to re-read some of them over an over. The truth is that this past week I was really confident that I could stay on top of things, and now I’m shaken. It’s how it always seems to go. I’m really nervous about the upcoming week. I know I will be successful because I promised my husband I would be. I will fight. But it will be so hard. What is it about the weekends??
Restaurants are a struggle lately. It used to be so automatic for me: if I was going out, I would order some version of a salad, or grilled chicken and veggies. No questions asked. Now, so many other options sound so much more appetizing!! Especially since I discovered cheeseburgers. I kid you not, I don’t think I had an actual cheeseburger at a restaurant until maybe a few months ago. It just sounded good, so I ordered it. And it was delicious! And now I can’t stop ordering them, despite how bad they are. I mean, I don’t get them all the time, but more than I should be. And Josh and I LOVE to go out to eat.
I wish I could buy into the whole intuitive eating thing. I really do. Tonight, when we decided to go out, Josh asked what my first choice would be, and I said Applebees. I really wanted to order a shake and a cheeseburger, probably the most unhealthy meal I could get! I didn’t have enough calories left for all of that, but I just went with what I really wanted. It was so good, and it was fun to go out with Josh…and while I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t feel guilty about it, it’s still hard not to feel like a failure. All I can say is thank goodness there was no chocolate or chips in the house tonight!
I know it will be better tomorrow. I just needed to vent. I had a really great week this week, and did well with my food and had some intense workouts. I don’t want to focus on just the negative (although it’s hard not to). I keep trying to think of those workouts and how hard they were and how I pushed myself, and how that felt so much better than bingeing would. I’ve got to keep pushing and re-learn these habits, the things that used to come so easily to me (like ordering healthy foods at restaurants).
I was sitting on our couch tonight looking at our digital photo frame, and as each pic of me flashed by, I could vividly remember the food or the binge that I have associated with whatever time I was in. I was incredibly saddened that I keep letting thoughts of food taint the wonderful memories that I have of certain parts of my life. It is such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I just wish things were different.
Sorry for being a downer. I don’t understand why I let one freaking meal downgrade what really was an amazing weekend.
One last thing before I go…anyone else a Grey’s Anatomy fan? I finally watched the season finale that I taped on Thursday, and…wow. I’m still trying to process it all!! I was truly shocked and saddened by the ending. I cried the last 5 minutes of the show and although I am sad, it was an incredible finale. What a great reminder on the shortness of life and how we need to focus on the important things.
Off to finish laundry and then to bed! ‘Night!
May 17th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
“It is such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I just wish things were different.”
I understand the feeling. Remember though how important it is to leave the past in the past and build a better future. Something like “you can’t go back and make a new beginning but you can start now and make a brand new ending”. I know that’s what you are doing and you should be so proud. I also realize the past can seem like a lot to handle, but we are so lucky that it IS the past and not the current.
You are wonderful in so many amazing ways. Let those shine through bright and strong.
May 18th, 2009 at 3:57 am
Hi Sara,
I hear your struggle. I can associate food memories with photos too, and that is kinda sad! You can move past this. Sometimes, I feel better when I order the burger and fries, sometimes I don’t. When you are eating it, do you have a feeling about how it will make you feel afterward (satisfied and content vs. guilty and wanting to binge)? Usually I have an idea of how each day will go when I wake up in the morning.
And Grey’s…OMG. I just watched it last night, too and couldn’t BELIVE it! I was in shock all night and still thinking about it this morning! I’m so saddened by it. But it was a great reminder at how short life is, and how, heaven forbid, if something happened to someone so abruptly like that, food would be the LAST thing on our minds. We need to be grateful for everyday and not sweat the small stuff so much! If only it were that easy.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:45 am
I think you did well. I know sometimes it’s hard not to feel guilty about making an unhealthy food choice, but really ordering what you truly wanted (after a week of good food and great workouts) and spending time with your husband is very healthy. I’m trying to do more of that too. This week it’s been working and for some reason I haven’t been feeling guilty (but I know it really does depend on my mood and other weeks I could have beaten myself up over things like that). This week may be hard, but we’re here, so vent if you must and keep fighting!
May 18th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Sara I know exactly what you’re going through because I’ve been there (and still go through it) so many times. I do exactly the same thing about pictures - I look at them and remember exactly how I was feeling during that moment. I’ve also done the same thing a billion times at restaurants - ordered the grilled chicken or plain fish with extra veggies on the side. However, I’m learning to let go a little more and realize that when I go out to eat I don’t want to eat food that I could’ve prepared myself at home. Part of going out to eat is trying different foods, even if you go out all the time! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with ordering a cheeseburger - maybe you can just eat half of it and take the rest home…or maybe eat the meat and one part of the bun rather than the whole thing. And/or split the shake? I am reading Bethenny Frankel’s new book, “Naturally Thin” and while I think there’s some crap in there (like “scooping” out the bread in your bagels) she makes a lot of good points. One of them being, “You can have it all, just not all at once.” This kind of goes along with your eating out dilemma. You can have whatever you want, just balance it. Eat the cheeseburger but have a sald or don’t have fries. Or, have the shake but eat something healthier with it. Or if you really want fries then make the rest of your meal healthy. Does that make sense?
Take care of yourself!
May 18th, 2009 at 7:39 am
I am proud of you for ordering what you wanted! Honestly. I can completely relate and I can tell you I’m pretty well on the other side and really happy I forced myself to go through all that. It is hard. It is hard to completely change the way you are thinking about food: what is good and bad, what is ok, what you should and shouldn’t do are all rules. Ordering what you feel like and eating that does not make you unhealthy. Creating rules that have nothing to do with your hungers and desires do. Those are the rules that cause a binge later on. It is really hard to see right now because although you are working hard to change it, you are still judgeing the decision you allowed yourself to make. Please trust me when I say it does get easier, and you do get more understanding of those choices. The other day I had a pizza for dinner. No vegetables. For some reason I just didn’t feel like having them. Normally on “pizza night” in the past, that meant, pizza, candy, chocolate, etc (binge). but the other night, I had pizza, and then nothing else because I was totally satisfied. The next day I woke up and had a great bowl of oats with fruit and went on with my day. It does get easier, and the judgement over food subsides. I really recommend the book: It’s not about food. It changed my life. I read Intuitive Eating too but regardless of what it said and how much sense it made, it was hard to stop judging myself for those choices. And frankly if you are really letting your rules go, in the beginning, the choices you make are influenced by the fact that you weren’t allowing yourself to have certain things in the past. I ate a lot of my forbidden foods at the start because it was so freeing that I now could. Well a couple months later, and they are beginning to become just one of the many things I can eat. Stay strong. You can do it.
May 18th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I don’t buy into the “eat what you crave” deal, which I think is much different from intuitive eating. I look at intuitive eating as listening to your body’s hunger signals and therefore eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are satisfied.
For me, there are some things that I have learned to live without, that I can’t have in my house, etc. Why? Because I KNOW they will not get me to my goals, or that they are huge trigger foods that may lead to abuse. Sure I might crave those things, but it wouldn’t do me any good to eat them. Eating them would only lead to more bad choices.
I also believe in making food at home that is a healthy version of restaurant fare (like my pizza the past couple days). When I ate meat we frequently made cheeseburgers, but with lean meat, lite buns, reduced fat cheddar, etc. A “better bad.”
BTW - have you thought of a sugar detox? I know for me sugar leads to more sugar cravings.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Sara - of course you know I relate to this!!!
I hate looking back on pictures and associating them with struggles with food—especially if it was a really fun time but I look stressed/depressed (and I know it’s b/c I was either realllly hungry, or had just overeaten!)
I only came to the point where I wanted to try eating intuitively after years (literally, around 3 years) of counting points for everything using WW. Doing that helped me teach myself, over and over, that I CAN have the foods I want in moderation, and that my body is often smarter than I give it credit for (and will tell me when to stop). The only thing that made that possible was that I had the safety net of points (for you, I guess the “safety net” is calories).
If you want a cheeseburger, I think you should get a cheeseburger—but could you make up for it in another way (i.e., ordering lean meat if they have it, or not eating the bun?). Or make lower-fat cheeseburgers/milkshakes @ home often, so you get your cheeseburger fix? I know this probably seems like the most obvious advice ever, but it could really help!
I LOVED the Grey’s finale . . . what a tearjerker.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Vent anytime…I know sometimes when I type it all out, sometimes it even just makes me feel better!
I am so much like you in that I can have several ‘good’ days in a row, and then one, tiny slip-up and it kind of ruins it all for me. I just am too hard on myself…I need to stop expecting perfection.
Even though it is much easier said than done, your body WANTED that cheeseburger in the moment. You were happy and spending QT with your hubby, and your body was just craving it. If you are like me, when I deny myself those intense cravings, it CONSUMES my mind. And that can often lead to a later binge. I know it’s hard to see all of your hard work because you are caught up on that meal, but focus on all of the GOOD you’ve done in the last week. Great workouts, eating healthy, avoiding binges…you’ve done them all! Stay strong…you’ve got this!
I haven’t seen the Grey’s finale yet - so behind! lol. I’m hoping to watch it next weekend….although yahoo.com kinda ruined it for me and I think I know what’s coming….
May 19th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
honestly I don’t got out to eat very often because I don’t like feeling weighed down by so much food and I really enjoy the things I make at home. Since i like to go out with hubs we find an outdoor patio and I enjoy a drink while he eats or something like that
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:17 am
Restaurants are absolutely not my friend when I’m trying to lose weight. Portions are huge, even things that seem healthy are usually made with a buttload of butter. I know this, because I make many of the same things at home, and they do not taste similar. I also don’t like to order anything out that I can make at home, so I tend to go for Vietnamese or Thai restaurants. I can still make these at home, but they never turn out the same, either.
I think I’ve got this intuitive eating stuff down, finally. I gained some weight learning it, because I also thought it meant indulge my cravings, but it doesn’t. I still eat a burger every month or so, though I like mine with bacon and mushrooms, and like Hayley, get a salad instead of fries (unless I really want fries). Another problem with eating out is that I tend to drink, which usually inspires me to make worse choices and eat more.