The first one, finally completed almost a month later:

This was so easy and so much fun to make.  I almost had it professionally framed, but it was around $70!!  This was about…$10?  Much better deal :)  Now to just figure out where to hang it…

The second project?  I talked to my principal the other day and she loves my idea of our school sponsoring a 5k fun run/1 mile race for the school community!!  I’m super excited.  I contacted a woman from another district who has been putting this type of thing together for years and she’s going to give me the inside scoop/all the inside secrets.  I just wish I didn’t have to wait a month to meet with her!

The last day of school was Wednesday, but I’ve been working these past two days on getting things ready for summer school.  We have a week off before it begins, but I’m still not ready so I’ll take the weekend off and then it’s back to work!  And then there are so many workshops/conferences this summer that I can’t wait to go to.  I love being busy.

Josh comes home tomorrow morning and I can’t wait to see him!!  I don’t know how we were able to stay apart for so long while I was in school! 

I’m contemplating signing up for another half-marathon that is in town this July.  The only thing I’m concerned about is the heat…but that would give me another opportunity to try to reach my sub-2 hour goal this year.  It’s so great how much I have truly come to love running…in the past, I would do 1 race a year and feel overwhelmed and burned out by the training, and this year I may be doing up to 4.  Who would have ever thought?

Is anyone else sad that tonight is Jay Leno’s last Tonight  Show?  Josh and I got to see his show live on our honeymoon in LA, and it was a blast.  We both think Conan is hilarious, but it will still be sad.

To end this very random post, I have a food pic…not mine, but of Itsy’s carob & peanut butter birthday cake (she turned 2 last week…my baby is growing up!)

Peace!

Training for the Chicago Marathon starts in about 2 weeks!!  I’m very excited (and a little nervous, now that I’ve actually set a time goal!).  Reading all of your blogs about the distances others have been running has made me very anxious to get back to it.  I’ve been running a few times a week still, and I’ve been doing speed training once a week for the past month.  I just got done doing 5×1200 at the local track, and when I was done with that I did straight-away sprints for a couple of laps.  I ran faster than I ever have during those sprints tonight; once I looked at my Garmin and it said I was doing a 4 min/mile pace!  What blows my mind is that there are people who can run marathons at just over that pace, and I could barely do 100m without dying. 

I’m learning that it’s okay for me to be uncomfortable when I run, and that I can push myself farther than I thought I could.  I’m also learning that running in the heat is MUCH tougher than running in the cold (for me at least)!  The other day I set out on a run and thought I was going to pass out after 3 miles.  So I found some hills and did a walk/hill run combo and got in some killer intervals.  It was a great workout, but lesson learned; if i want to do a long run during the summer I need to get my butt out of bed before 11 am!

This past week has been very successful for me food-wise.  Sometimes I think Vani and I share a mind, because we think about some very similar things.  Josh and I were just talking last night about how much more relaxed I’ve been around food this past week.  I’ve been eating about 1800 cals each day (my BMR + activity level) and focused on burning 500 cals a day with exercise.  I’ve also allowed myself to “bank” cals (if I only eat 1500 one day, then I can eat 2100 the next or whatever) which has been a lifesaver.  I’m slowly learning that things have a balance.  I’m not always going to eat the same amount of calories each day, and some days I won’t want to exercise (and on those days, my body won’t need as much food). 

I told him how I’ve really enjoyed being able to go out for ice cream with our friends on Friday night, and have brats at a barbeque with my parents on Saturday without totally freaking out.  I’ve just fit in more exercise and/or eased up on the cals other days when needed.  We talked about how I really need to let the past stay in the past, and take what lessons I can from my experiences.  For so long, I looked back at the time I spent on the South Beach Diet in amazement of myself, that I could go for so long without bingeing, and be so “in control”.  I’ve been saying I want nothing more than to go back to that time period, to eat how I ate and to look how I looked.  But the truth is, if I really examine the experience, I wasn’t completely happy.  I mean, I had NO ice cream for that entire period (and we all know how much I love ice cream!).  I wouldn’t go out to eat with friends, I would get anxious about summer barbeques and vacations, and I would avoid work lunches because I didn’t know what was on the menu.  Yes I was thinner and more “in control” but was I happier?  And could I really have lived the rest of my life like that?  

On the flip side, today we had an end of the year banquet at school and the only thing they had was white pasta, salad, white rolls, and dessert.  Instead of bringing a lunch and eating alone, I ate with my colleagues and got about 1/2 c. serving of pasta and a huge salad (no roll or dessert) and I was FINE.  I tend to forget about these small steps, and undermine any kind of progress like this.  Last week in getting my eating under control, I lost the 4 lbs I had gained by bingeing.  Josh was so excited for me, but I tried to rationalize it by saying that I had ONLY lost the 4 that I recently gained.  But Josh tried to straighten me out, saying that I had LOST WEIGHT.  I was moving in the right direction once again.  And I HAVE to start giving myself props for that.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Memorial Day weekend!  I hope you know that even though I don’t seem to have much to say lately, I am continually inspired by each and every one of you!!

My computer is being weird tonight and I can’t stop it :)  None of the pictures want to show up on any webpages, and the internet is crazy slow.  Of course it had to happen when the computer genius is out of town!  I’m so glad Josh gets to come back on Friday.  And I can’t wait for the long weekend; it’s kind of a bummer that we have classes still on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week (Wednesday is our last day), but at least they are half days! 

I know it probably seems like I have been neglecting the blog lately, and I don’t mean to!  Since I’ve started the blog, posting regularly and reading other blogs has really helped me stay on-course with my goals, and the advice from all of you has been worth more than you know.  In struggling with my eating the past few weeks, I have been short on material to post about (you have listened to me complain quite enough! ;)), and I have just been dis-interested in things overall.  But I really feel like I am coming around.  It’s sinking in again.

The speedwork-training session with the running group I joined met tonight, but I decided to stay home and use the time to just relax and re-focus.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what is important to me, and what I need to do to reach my goals.  I printed off a calendar and actually wrote out my training plan for the Chicago Marathon, and that was extremely motivating to me; I need to kick it into gear pretty quickly and stop slacking if I want to meet the goals I set a few weeks back.  I don’t know why I was putting off writing the training plan…I had meant to do it weeks ago.  For some reason I kept pushing it to the bottom of my to-do list.  But you all know how much I thrive on structure, and something about having those miles committed to on a piece of paper is giving me a sense of purpose, something I have been lacking since the marathon last month (has it really been that long??).  I don’t mean to sound like my only purpose is my running (far from it!) but I am very goal-oriented and am excited to start a new round of training.

It’s so interesting to me how without that training plan, my exercise so easily falls by the wayside.  Last week I had some great workouts, because I planned them out.    Why do I feel that without it in writing, I have no obligations to stick to my goals?  Why is it that if I don’t plan out my meals meticulously, I feel that it gives me free reign to binge?  All things I am still working to understand.  I ordered a book yesterday that was recommended to me by a friend called “It’s Not About Food” that I am really looking forward to reading.  I am hesitant to believe that it will “cure” my disorder, because how many books have I read where I said, this is it!  and never binged again?  Nada.  But I will take any bit of insight it can offer, and who knows.

One last thing.  I had the thought recently that maybe this disorder is something that I have manifested in myself so that I can have this “secret”.  This secret that no one else knows; that even though someone on the outside might think my life looks so perfect…if only they knew.  In some ways, this disorder makes me feel special, and deserving of attention (as messed up as that is).  It gives me something to blame.  I mean, I have proven that I can go without bingeing.  I did it for almost a year recently.  And the thing that compelled me most to binge again was the feeling that I had lost something, lost a part of myself, in stopping the compulsive overeating.

Ok, I really need to stop thinking…I thought this would be a short post, but they never turn out that way :)  I guess that’s just a little about what’s been going on in my head.  Lots to think about and analyze (which I love to do!). 

I am taking in all you have to say, and am doing well.  I am going to try to resume food pics and exercise updates (when time allows me to!) to hold myself accountable.  My target cal intake for each day is 1800 (my BMR + activity level), and I plan on trying to burn 500 cals each day through exercise until I reach my goal weight.  But I am going to be flexible day to day, as long as I burn about 3500 cals each week and have a weekly calorie intake of 12600.  I might even weigh in tomorrow, something that I have avoided lately but need to do because I need that starting point.  I’m a little nervous about it though, so we’ll see.

Have a GREAT night.  Thanks for all you do - each and every one of you are inspiring to me and I have learned so much about myself through you in this short amount of time. 

Peace

I am truly appreciative of all the comments and advice everyone has given me.  I’m having to re-read some of them over an over.  The truth is that this past week I was really confident that I could stay on top of things, and now I’m shaken.  It’s how it always seems to go.  I’m really nervous about the upcoming week.  I know I will be successful because I promised my husband I would be.  I will fight.  But it will be so hard.  What is it about the weekends??

Restaurants are a struggle lately.  It used to be so automatic for me:  if I was going out, I would order some version of a salad, or grilled chicken and veggies.  No questions asked.  Now, so many other options sound so much more appetizing!!  Especially since I discovered cheeseburgers.  I kid you not, I don’t think I had an actual cheeseburger at a restaurant until maybe a few months ago.  It just sounded good, so I ordered it.  And it was delicious!  And now I can’t stop ordering them, despite how bad they are.  I mean, I don’t get them all the time, but more than I should be.  And Josh and I LOVE to go out to eat.

I wish I could buy into the whole intuitive eating thing.  I really do.  Tonight, when we decided to go out, Josh asked what my first choice would be, and I said Applebees.  I really wanted to order a shake and a cheeseburger, probably the most unhealthy meal I could get!  I didn’t have enough calories left for all of that, but I just went with what I really wanted.  It was so good, and it was fun to go out with Josh…and while I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t feel guilty about it, it’s still hard not to feel like a failure.  All I can say is thank goodness there was no chocolate or chips in the house tonight!

I know it will be better tomorrow.  I just needed to vent.  I had a really great week this week, and did well with my food and had some intense workouts.  I don’t want to focus on just the negative (although it’s hard not to).  I keep trying to think of those workouts and how hard they were and how I pushed myself, and how that felt so much better than bingeing would.  I’ve got to keep pushing and re-learn these habits, the things that used to come so easily to me (like ordering healthy foods at restaurants).

I was sitting on our couch tonight looking at our digital photo frame, and as each pic of me flashed by, I could vividly remember the food or the binge that I have associated with whatever time I was in.  I was incredibly saddened that I keep letting thoughts of food taint the wonderful memories that I have of certain parts of my life.  It is such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I just wish things were different.

Sorry for being a downer.  I don’t understand why I let one freaking meal downgrade what really was an amazing weekend.

One last thing before I go…anyone else a Grey’s Anatomy fan?  I finally watched the season finale that I taped on Thursday, and…wow.  I’m still trying to process it all!!  I was truly shocked and saddened by the ending.  I cried the last 5 minutes of the show and although I am sad, it was an incredible finale.  What a great reminder on the shortness of life and how we need to focus on the important things.

Off to finish laundry and then to bed!  ‘Night!

the wife will eat.  At least, that was me when I was in college.

When Josh and I got married, I was in my 4th (out of 5) year of college and we were living in Columbia, MO.  Josh was working full time; he would go back to school eventually once I graduated.  Josh is also a member of the Air National Guard and used to be stationed at Lambert in St. Louis, which meant that one weekend a month and for 2 weeks each year he would have to drive back to St. Louis for work.

I absolutely hated it when he had to leave town.  We have been together since my senior year of high school (he is a year younger than me!), so we have spent some time apart during some transitions in each of our lives.  During my first year away at college, he was back home in high school; and let’s not even think about the countless months he spent in Texas for basic training and tech school.  We talked pretty much every day and tried to see each other whenever we could, but it was so hard not to be with him.

Each month when he would leave, I think I had some of my worst binges.  I was…unsupervised.  I didn’t have to sneak food; I could devour it right there on my couch, lost mindlessly in my favorite TV shows.  I didn’t have to try to hide empty wrappers in the trash or feel self-conscious about anyone touching my body that weekend.  So I just ate. 

Thinking about those times makes me very sad.  I know now that I was eating because I didn’t want to feel lonely or scared to be by myself; if I made myself sick by eating, I had an excuse to curl up in a ball the next day and hide.  I felt like I had an excuse to not get dressed up and just wear sweats and not be involved.  I had a very hard time dealing with being alone.  I used to get very upset with myself because I would sometimes look forward to being alone with food; but I don’t know if that really was the case.  Because if I had to choose, I would rather have had Josh there all those weekends instead.  But I think I needed something to look forward to on those weekends, instead of focusing on being alone.

Ok.  I just had to re-read that last sentence because I don’t know where that came from.  But it’s so so true. 

On Monday, Josh has to go out of town for guard training for 2 weeks (he will get to come home over Memorial Day weekend).  And for some reason, these old feelings are coming up again.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve been trying to combat the binge cycle again recently; I’ve been binge-free for the past 3 days, but it’s still in the early stages where I’m still having cravings….and part of my brain is telling me that this is the week when I can “get away with it”.  Go ahead, it tells me; you will be alone and school is almost over so you can just stay in and not have to deal with anything.  I worked really hard to resist those urges today, the ones that tried so hard to convince me to skip the gym and devour a bag of chocolates while Josh was at school. 

But I got through tonight and I know if I just take it one day at a time I can make it through the next 2 weeks.  I know that if I can keep busy and see my friends and family and stay involved, it will be easier.  This is always the critical time; it’s so soon after a binge that my body still doesn’t feel “normal” and it takes everything I have not to keep throwing in the towel night after night.  

In other news, in the past 2 weeks, 3 people close to me have announced pregnancies!!  That’s just insane.  I have been thinking a lot about babies lately…there are days when I’m convinced I’m ready, but it seems surreal to even think about being pregnant anytime soon!  We definitely hope to wait until Josh gets out of school, so I know it probably won’t be for another couple of years, but it’s been hard lately not to think about it

Hi my name is Sara and I’m an obsessive planner. 

This drives my husband absolutely nuts.  He is definitely more laid back than I am.  But I like to know what’s coming.  I like control. 

I love making lists.  I would be lost without my planner.  Sometimes, I’ll do something, then realize it wasn’t on my list, and then write it down just to feel the satisfaction of crossing it off.

(Please tell me I’m not alone here! )

Sometimes planning really works to my advantage.  I am very organized and that works well with my job.  I love having every detail of my lessons planned and know exactly what has to happen each day.  It worked well when I taught aerobics because I always knew my routines to a “T” and hardly ever missed a beat. 

Planning also can be very very helpful to me with my compulsive eating.  If I have a meal planned, or a week’s worth of meals, it can be very hard for me to want to deviate from that plan because once it’s planned, it’s set in stone!!  I love not having to think about what I am going to cook for dinner each night or bring for lunch…there is a security in planning it all out at the end of each week.

As you can imagine, however, this also works very much against me.  It has taken a lot of practice for me to become more flexible, such as with weekend activity plans, and of course, things don’t always go my way when I’m in the middle of teaching a lesson.  It’s also very hard for me to relax.  But, I am getting better at “winging it” in those situations.  For example, because I’ve been teaching aerobics going on 8 years, I feel pretty confident if I absolutely HAD to, I could teach a decent class on a whim.  It might not be quite up to my standards, but I could do it.

Yet even though with so many un-planned encounters on the food-front, I have not yet mastered “winging-it”.  Take Friday night at the track meet:  I had done well with eating all day, and after school I had a Clif Bar, knowing that the meet wouldn’t be done until 9.  I had planned on picking up Subway after the meet and then eating some ice cream when I got home. 

I thought the Clif Bar would be enough to hold me over, because it had been the last time I worked at a meet.  But on Friday, I got sooo hungry.  Stomach growling hunger that was painful.  All the workers were given tickets for free food, except the free food consisted of chips, candy bars, soda, or soft pretzels.  I held off for as long as I could, and then decided to just eat a pretzel.

It wasn’t the fact that I had been denying myself a pretzel; I don’t even think that was the worst choice.  But my “plan” had been thrown all off-course.  I tried to rationalize with myself that the pretzel was probably about the same amount of calories as a sandwich, and if I wasn’t hungry when the meet was over I would just eat some ice cream at home, but something inside me just snapped; before I knew it the meet was over, I was pulling into Walgreens and buying a bag of hershey kisses.  Before the night was over, I had eaten 3/4 of that bag, 2 breadsticks and pasta from Fazoli’s, AND my ice cream. 

I felt so incredibly defeated.  The whole thing is a blur…I tried not to think about it while it was happening (on purpose) because I knew I could have talked myself out of it.  I just didn’t want to. 

All because of one tiny bump in my “plans”.  I just don’t get it.

The rest of the weekend was not bad.  I tried to pick up the pieces and eat as well as I could.  It wasn’t perfect, but I had some great times with friends and family that I do not regret whatsoever.  I didn’t feel so good today (you think I would learn), but I got in a fantastic workout and am hoping that my system will be totally refreshed by tomorrow.

Any other planners out there?  How do you deal when things go off course?

Click for today’s eats & exercise

I don’t know whether I should admit this or not, but since we’re all for honesty around here: pretty much each day this week, I have eaten 400 calories worth of fat free frozen yogurt for dessert (Stonyfield Farms After Dark Chocolate….divine). 

On one hand, I feel kind of ashamed for doing this; 400 calories seems like a lot for something I used to deem forbidden.  On the other hand, I’ve been exercising every day, working it into my allotted calories, and not bingeing.  I’ve really looked forward to having dessert each day, yes.  But it’s still that peaceful, controlled eating, where I know I am having a certain amount and I can just sit and savor it.  And I think I’ve been less stressed about it since I haven’t been forcing myself to have just one small, half cup serving.  I’ve told myself that since I love ice cream (or any dessert for that matter, but it’s been ice cream lately!) and I love eating a larger quantity of ice cream, I can have it.  If I workout and don’t go over my calorie budget for the day.

However, I’m trying really hard to find that balance between wanting to look a certain way and gain control over my compulsive eating.  I will admit: I have such body envy.   I watched my taped Dancing with the Stars last night and I have to say I would LOVE to have a body like ex-bachelor star Melissa!!  The thing is, if I’m eating 400 calories worth of ice cream every night, chances are I probably won’t get abs quite like I want.  BUT….if I don’t eat enough dessert to satisfy me, then from past experiences I know it will lead to emotional eating and bingeing.

So there’s the dilemma. 

I know I need to work on mindset first; I need to get this compulsive eating under control (so far still so good this month!).  It is NOT healthy, nor acceptable for me to continue bingeing.  It’s not healthy to consume thousands of calories of junk in one sitting.  I know it needs to be more important for me right now to be able to have a healthy relationship with food than it is to lose the 15-20 pounds I would like to lose.  I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact that it is going to take time, probably lots of time.  And while I like how I look right now, I’m trying to accept the fact that no matter how hard I train, because of these issues, it might be a while before I start seeing the kind of results I would truly like.

I hope everyone has a good Friday :)  I am off to work at another track meet…thank goodness it stopped raining!!

It’s been forever since I’ve done a run on a track, but last night reminded me how much I like it!  The speed workout session was so much fun.  It was the first session of the season and a ton of people showed up (maybe 60?) to participate.  When I got there, I warmed up with an easy 2 laps and introduced myself to a few people (everyone I met was really nice!).  Runners really are such a great group of people, so friendly and supportive of one another. 

When it was time to get started, the members of the running club who are leading these sessions had us break into groups based on our goal 5k time.  I haven’t run a 5k in ages, so I had no idea what a good goal was.  I decided on 24 minutes, or about an 8 minute mile pace. 

The workout for the evening was 10 x 400, with a 200 m jog in between.  The people in my group were supposed to do each lap in 2 minutes.  I thought that our leader would be running with us to pace us, but it turns out they just stood at the start line with a timer and called out our times as we finished our lap.  Since I had no idea what pace I was running at, I just ran at what felt comfortable and ended up doing the lap in 1:45.  I stayed within the range of 1:45-1:55 for each of the 10 laps.  It went by so fast, and it was a lot of fun to meet the people in my group and run with some new people!

Each week there are different workouts planned aimed at helping increase speed and improving race times.  It’s about a 25 minute drive for me, but I’m planning on going ever Tuesday this summer!  I had a blast.  I didn’t see the girl I ran the marathon with, but hopefully I will at some point.  Hopefully the runs will help me improve my times at my races this fall and set some PR’s!  Now that I have a time to beat for the marathon and all

In other news, my very best friend told me the other day that she is pregnant!!! :)  I’m so excited for her.  And I can’t tell anyone yet that we know, so I’m telling you all.  I’ve known Julie since I was in 2nd grade and she is going to be such a great Mom.  It seems so surreal that she is pregnant!  I’m glad she’s going through it first, that way I can learn from her down the road…a couple years down the road hopefully!  There are a lot of times lately when I wonder if we are ready to have kids yet, and then there are things that make me think probably not :)  But I love kids so much and Josh and I can’t wait to have our own someday, if it’s in the cards for us.

Time for bed!  Sleep is going to feel so good tonight!

Hi all!  I’ve been doing well.  This will have to be quick; tonight I am going to a local high school to meet with a running group and do some speed training!  They meet every Tuesday evening and this will be my first time joining them…I’m very nervous!  But excited to meet some other runners :)  The girl who I ran the marathon with told me about this group, so hopefully she will be there too!  Wish me luck!

Speaking of the marathon, I watched an amazing documentary on Saturday night called “The Spirit of the Marathon”…anyone else seen it?  Sooo motivating.  And maybe it is because I have just ran my first marathon, but I had goosebumps at so many parts of the movie :)  I think it’s only available through Netflix (or I think you can download it on iTunes) but I really recommend it to all you runners!!

Life has just been busy.  We’re doing color guard clinics and tryouts this week so a lot of my time is taken up after school.  So posting will be sporadic, although I’m trying to keep up :)  Just know that I’ve been doing great since the first of the month…some thoughts going on in my head that I’m still trying to sort out, but more on that later.

A couple of pics of the non-boring food in my life lately:

A good friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months and her shower was this weekend.  I LOVE getting the cake with the flower icing!  No one else ever seems to want it, the crazies.

Food selection was sparse there (I’m picky) so I had some fruit and part of a soft pretzel (they had a great local pretzel co. make a huge pretzel in the shape of their wedding date).  Then there were these little chocolate mint candies that were so yummy.  I was going to take some extras before I left, but I forgot…probably a good thing

From last night’s dinner:

Also so good!  I made a broccoli bake with swiss, light mayo, lemon juice, and onions.  And then had a chicken burger from Aldi’s cooked on the George Foreman.   Can’t beat one of those in a pinch!

Ok, off to run!  Let’s hope I’m not the slowest one there!

The first day after a binge-streak is always the hardest for me.  It’s hard because you feel like complete crap, yet you really want to change and you want that instant gratification of feeling better immediately.  But when you don’t feel better, when you feel bloated and sick and ashamed, it’s hard to move forward.  It’s much easier to tell yourself that since you already feel awful, what’s one more day?  I’m not going to feel better today anyways, so why not keep eating?

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