WHERE HAS THE SUMMER GONE???  You would think, as a teacher, that summer would be relaxing and stress-free, but NOPE.  Although I’ve been busy and stressed, it’s been a GOOD, and productive busy and stressed.

I ran another half-marathon a couple of weeks ago and got a personal best: 2 hours and 8 minutes.  About 4 minutes shaved off of my fastest time, which I accomplished about 4 years ago.  It was a rather humbling race, and it is completely my fault that I didn’t reach my sub-2 hour goal, but I’ll take it.  But you can bet that I will reach that goal in September at the Lewis & Clark half!

Anyway, I found that it has been good to take some time away from blogging.  I was getting really wrapped up in thinking about what to post each day and commenting on other blogs that it started to hinder my progress rather than help me.  Reading some blogs has been triggering for me (although some have continued to inspire me each and every day!!) and I realized that although I started blogging to 1) share a new perspective on binge eating disorder, and 2) keep myself accountable, that’s not what I ended up doing.  I got too wrapped up in creating a “great blog”, when behind the scenes I was doing all the wrong, unhealthy things.  I don’t want a dishonest blog, or one where I only post about the good days.  On the other hand, I don’t want a blog where I bitch and moan about only the hard times.  I love blogging and the number of people I have met through this blog, but I need to figure out if I have a different perspective to offer, or what the purpose of this whole thing really is going to be.   

On bingeing (proceed with caution):

It’s like they say, the curse of being a teacher…you are an expert (your students are not).  You can see things they can’t, and at times it feels so obvious that you wonder how the hell they are missing the point.  Because it’s so clear to you!

I am in NO WAY an expert on this topic by any means!!  BUT, after what feels like many many years of going through this and finally uncovering some answers, I will say I have been feeling pretty enlightened recently.

I am disheartened reading about people having unrealistic expectations regarding “stopping bingeing”.  It takes A LONG TIME to work through this.  I am just now getting it after 6 or 7 years!!  I used bingeing as a crutch and only recently have been able to allow myself to realize that it is a defense, a way to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF; and I have to WORK to turn that around.  No bs “plan” or “get ripped quick” diet is going to fix the bingeing.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 

I have realized that the minute I say, “I want to do a challenge and go 100 days without bingeing”, I will probably binge.  Because just saying I am going to do a challenge doesn’t CHANGE anything!!  The reasons for bingeing are still there.  It was a very freeing moment when I realized that even though tomorrow is a new month and I would love to be “binge-free!” I most likely will binge at some point.  I will not be perfect.  AND THAT’S OKAY. 

I’ve found that it’s a spiraling process.  It started, for me, with just bingeing.  For years.  Finally, I am doing the work I need to do to understand why those binges happened.  It’s unrealistic for me to think at this point I will not binge.  But now I realize why I am doing it.  I realize that I am using food, and sometimes I may still choose to use food in an abusive way.  It doesn’t make me a bad person!!  It just means that I am a work in progress.  Period.  And works in progress are never perfect.

Last Friday, I had a day off.  I was feeling very overwhelmed with things that needed to get done around the house, and I was feeling like I did not want to run the 12 miles I was supposed to run on Saturday morning.  I KNEW I was feeling these things.  So, I ate.  Included in what I ate was an entire carton of cookies and cream ice cream, 3 balls of cookie dough and 4 cookies, 2 vita tops, 1/2 package of triscuits…and that was just the morning.  Dinner was pasta con broccoli, potato skins, and more ice cream w/m&m’s.  If that weren’t bad enough, the binge continued until Sunday night.

I knew what I was doing.  I knew that making myself sick meant that I could not possibly run on Saturday morning.  Eating was better than cleaning.  I made that choice.  Food did the trick for me that weekend, it met those needs.  However, the important thing is that I am realizing now that I need to start working on other actions that meet those needs, now that I’ve identified them.  Or coming up with action plans to put into place so that I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore.

I don’t know if I’m quite ready to do that.  But really, until I put in the work to make those plans, I can’t expect not to binge again.  I also have to realize that by NOT making those plans and doing the work, will that really help me reach the goals I want to set for myself?  Bingeing is clearly not good for my body.  So the fewer and farther in between binges, the better.  I’m getting to that place.

I’m sick of not talking about it.  I know some people maybe are turned off or triggered by reading about binge-eating, but I need to write it down for ME.  Maybe for some people it will help.  I don’t know.  But what I ate last weekend was not just simple overeating; what is going on with my body physically is a direct representation of what is going on inside my head. 

A year ago, I wouldn’t have even recognized that.  So although the bingeing continues, it’s progress.  I think that one of the hardest first steps is letting go of judgement (so hard!!).  And that when you succomb to multiple urges to binge, IT’S OKAY.  You’re still an okay person, who happens to binge.  Again, I feel almost enlightened because for so many years I have been beating myself up every time I binged, which led to more and more eating and just encouraging the cycle.  If you are bingeing now, it’s for a reason; it’s a solution to some problem you are dealing with.  If you don’t like it as a solution, then you DO have the power to pick a new solution.  And if you choose to binge, then that is the choice you make and have to deal with.  And you have to deal with the consequences.  I think that right there has been what’s changed me in the past couple of months.

Too much rambling, I know!  It all makes sense in my head anyway :)  Enough for tonight, though.  I have 13 miles to run tomorrow, and I chose not to let a binge stand in the way of that, so I had better get a good night’s sleep!

I’d like to talk about some of the things I have been doing this past week that has helped me to be successful, and that also means sharing some things about a binge I had last week.  If reading about binges/calories/etc. is triggering at all to you, please don’t jump!

Last Friday, after all of my success at my conference on Thursday and all that I thought I was overcoming, I binged.  I binged during work, after work, and after the concert.  I don’t really know why…I absolutely loved the conference I attended, and I had some really interesting conversations with colleagues.  I was really looking to going to that concert with my mom (which was a BLAST!) also.  But I was just compelled to eat.  I WANTED to eat, and I did.  I ate a lot.

Here’s the thing that was different about this binge, though.  I didn’t necessarily feel frantic, like all hope was lost.  I realized what I was doing.  And I realized that for every action, there is a reaction.  You see, normally when I binge, I try to forget it ever happened, and I live in denial; I won’t write the food down in my journal, and I won’t count the calories.  I’ll just throw in the towel.  But last Friday, for the first time ever, I took ownership for my actions and wrote down EVERYTHING I ate, and calculated the calories.  And I can’t believe I am going to post this, but the damage was 4240 calories.  Holy shit.  Sadly, I don’t think that number even comes close to topping some of my worst binges.

So I realized, that left me with an excess of 2940 calories.  That was how much over my daily allowence I really was.  And I decided that, you know what?  If I am going to eat, then I need to use that energy; that’s the only way I will make it to my weight loss goals.  I need to be realistic and face facts.

That meant that this week I have dedicated myself to burning off those calories from that binge.  However, in the past, I would have starved myself and over-exercised to do that…this was very different.  Normally, I eat 1800 cals and burn 500 each day through exercise; this week I have eaten around 1300-1400 each day, and the calories I burned went towards the number of cals I binged on.  If I ate over 1300 each day, that just contributed to the excess.

And let me tell you, it has taken me ALL WEEK to burn off those calories in a healthy way.  I just finished today.  It has really put things in a new perspective for me.  I know counting calories can seem really counter-intuitive for someone struggling with food, but I’m a numbers gal, and seeing those numbers really helped.  It felt good this week to not avoid the fact that I binged, and just accept it and move on.  As a result, that one night of bingeing did not lead to a week-long binge that involved shame and regret.  I realized just how much energy is needed to burn off the calories I can consume in just a couple of hours.  And I also realized that if there is ever a night where I DO binge, for whatever reason, that it IS possible to undo the damage, and all is not lost.  It just takes a lot of hard work.  But that mentality has taken me through the last 25 days with only that one binge under my belt, which is a huge accomplishment for me.

There have also been two other blogs I have found this week that I can really relate to.  The writers both said things that really resonated with me.  The first blog is written by Lauren.  She recently posted about her thoughts on why she binged, and she said that one of the reasons was possibly to create drama in her life.  I realized that I sometimes feel the same way…that from the outside, my life looks really pretty good (and it is!) that sometimes it seems like I have manifested this disorder as a way to keep some drama in my life.  I also realized that in the past, I have used bingeing as a way to draw attention to myself.  If I feel neglected or like I’m not being paid attention to, bingeing and having a mini-breakdown pretty much guarantees that I will be getting some attention (usually from Josh, because he is the only one who really knows about what I go through with this, and he is the one that’s with me the most!) and comfort.  I never really thought about that until today.

The other blog that I found is written by Sarah.  She made the point that sometimes, we just have to do something because we’ve made a commitment to ourselves, even though we don’t always WANT to do it.  For example, she says we don’t always WANT to go to work, but we made the commitment to our boss, our co-workers, or whoever, and we just do it because it’s important.  There were numerous times this week where I didn’t WANT to work out, but I just went out and did it anyway because working out is important for me to do in order to live a healthy life.  So I thought that was a great comparison.  Both Lauren and Sarah are great, so go check them out!

Time for bed.  It’s been a great (but exhausting!) week, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot and will keep moving forward no matter what.

Bonus points to anyone who knows why this is a false (although clever!) proof

Thanks for all the lovely comments and support from my last post.  Today was another amazing conference day with amazing food (and cookies and cheesecake), and although I ate more that I would have “allowed” myself to eat in the past (especially in front of other people!  dessert in public??  i’m not perfect??  what a concept!) I’m recording it all and will gladly exercise a bit more later to balance everything out.  I can’t work out tonight because of the RASCAL FLATTS CONCERT!!  Yay for Mom’s :)  We’re seeing them at the same place she took me to see my first concert when I was a young’n (Reba McIntyre) :)  Have a fun-filled night!

What was your first concert that you ever saw?

Rules:
1. Once you are tagged post a picture of where you blog.
2. Feel free to tell us a little about your space, or explain certain items in more detail. Or not.
3. Link back to the original post.
4. Tag five other bloggers to show their blogspots.

My computer is stationed on my kitchen table right now!!  Actually, all of my “stuff” is (planner, bills, etc.) which I always have to clean up before company comes :)  Notice the towels on the floor, my pups have been having a tug of war party tonight!

What are you wearing right now?
PJ’s; a black v-neck t and my husband’s old extra large boxers with a hole in them.  Josh hates that I still wear them, but they are soo comfy!  I like loose PJ’s.  Also wearing Josh’s huge fleece jacket because it’s cold in here.  And underwear of course.

What’s the last thing you read/are currently reading?
“It’s Not About Food”, “Marathon” by Hal Higdon, and Runner’s World Magazine.  Also the Understanding by Design book for some work I’m doing at school.

Do you nap a lot?
Not usually…sometimes on the weekend if I have had a long run early in the morning.

Who was the last person you hugged?
Joshy.  I love hugs

What’s your current obsession/addiction?
Grape flavored 0 cal Aquafina.  And Stonyfield farms frozen yogurt!!

What’s for dinner?
Chicken burger and cauliflower with cheese.  Yum!

What was the last thing you bought?
Subway for lunch with Josh yesterday!

What are you listening to right now?
Our Lady Peace “All you did was save my life”…I am counting the days till their new album comes out!!!

If you could have a superpower what would it be?
Maybe flying?

What is your favorite weather and why?
72-75, clear, low humidity with a nice breeze. (I’m going to steal Melissa’s answer on this one!)

What time do you usually wake up
Ugh.  During color guard season, unfortunately at 4:30 am.  Otherwise, 5am on a school day, 10 am on the weekend if I am lucky and the dogs let me sleep in!

What is your most challenging goal right now?
Time management, curriculum design, increasing my running speed to meet my race goals, and not bingeing.

Favorite pair of shoes that you keep going back to over and over again even though you have a zillion others?
My New York & Company flip flops.  And a brown pair of kitten heels from JC Penneys that I can’t part with…they used to have tassles on them, but they got so ratty I had to cut them off.  So now the shoes look as good as new

Name one thing you can’t live without?
Josh.  My planner.

What time is bed time?
Usually 11 or midnight?  I know I know it should be waaayyy earlier.

If there was one place you could be right now where would it be?
I’m pretty content right where I am.

I tag:

1. Sara @ Happy Bellies
2. Lara @ Thinspired
3. Ashley @ Healthy Ashley
4. Marlene @ Mission to a(nother) Marathon
5. Elina @ Healthy and Sane

**

So today was a conference for work.  I had a blast (and it’s not over yet - part 2 is tomorrow!!) and learned a TON.  We were there from 8am-4pm, and they had lunch catered.

The only options for lunch were: salad, mac and cheese, pulled pork, and fried chicken.  And brownies and cookies of course.  Not my first choices.  I had some salad (not great - the dressing was kind of funky), one spoonful of mac and cheese, and 1 piece of chicken breast (pulled off the skin…I don’t really like fried chicken).  The best part was the brownie…so glad I had it, probably the best brownie I’ve had in a while

However, as those of you who struggle with bingeing may know, eating something that you normally wouldn’t eat, or something that wasn’t really your first choice to eat can lead to all sorts of emotions.  I hate being in situations where I have no control over my food…and yes, I know I could have brought a lunch, but I figured they would have at least SOMETHING a little healthier, and I would have really stood out like a sore thumb (again, I know…that’s just a choice I have to make).  Anyways, once the day was over, I was overwhelmed by feeling like I had “blown it”, even though I had made the best choices possible; that I didn’t really know how many calories I had eaten, and heck, I had 2 hours alone before Josh got home…why not just stop and get some ice cream/candy/whatever, skip the gym, and while I’m at it, maybe we could even order pizza later on!  Also, self, let’s just skip calorie counting for today.  You don’t even know for SURE how many cals you ate at lunch, so screw it. 

I really really forced myself to drive PAST the ice cream place and think about why I was having these feelings.  In all honesty, I could have done MUCH worse with the food at the conference.  Really, I was feeling a little overwhelmed with all of the material (although amazing!) that had just been thrown at me, and even a little inferior to all the other teachers there who had way more years and experience on me. 

Would bingeing have taken away those feelings??  No way.  And I knew that if I binged AND skipped the gym, it would really be a step backward for me in my progress.  Once I got home, I told myself if I was hungry and wanted chocolate I could have it, but I would still make myself go to the gym.

Once I had convinced myself that skipping the gym was NOT an option, I realized that chocolate just wouldn’t sit right in my stomach for working out.  So amazingly, I didn’t binge, and ate an apple instead.

Well, as I was cutting up my apple (and I know this analogy has been played out many times, but bear with me ), I was really excited to eat it, because it was a beautiful apple!  Very big, red, and juicy.  But when I cut into it, I noticed that one of the sides was a little brown and bruised.

I actually considered throwing the apple away and getting a new one, because I wanted a perfect apple (I’m so weird like that).  But I realized that would be such a waste.  Even though it wasn’t perfect, there was no use throwing it away and wasting it all; so I just cut off the bruised piece and voila!  Good as new.  And it was delicious, my imperfect little apple.

So I’ll leave you to speculate about that analogy to my day.  It was kind of like a sign for me that I was doing the right thing by not bingeing, as messed up as that sounds :)  I got in a kick-ass workout, burned 575 calories and am going to sleep proud of another successful day.

Good night out there!

Yesterday was speed work day, and I did 3×1600 at the track at a 7:30/mile pace.  It is so hard for me to keep my pace steady during speedwork…I’ll look at my watch and see 7:30, think I’m doing good, and then look down again a few seconds later and see 6:45.  Then I freak out and try to slow my pace just slightly because I don’t want to push TOO hard, and end up being too slow.  So it’s been interesting.  But I’m proud that I did it!  I don’t think I have ever run 3 miles at that pace.  Heck, 7:30 was my fastest mile time the last time I checked it (years ago!).  However, the speedwork yesterday was brutal.  It’s going to take a lot of work and determination to get the kind of times I’m shooting for on my races.

 Short post because I have to get ready for a work conference.  Should be a long (but fun!) day.  Peace!

I fall into this trap so often.  Even after all the amazing things I know my body can do, I still have days where I look in the mirror, poke and prod at things I wish would just ‘magically’ change.  What the author’s of this book recommend is to replace those negative comments with non-judgemental and, instead, observant comments.  For example, rather than looking at myself and saying, “I really hate how bloated I look today”, I am trying to re-train my thinking to be more along the lines of an observant, “This is what my body looks like today”, and leave it at that.  No judgement.

The same goes for food.  Instead of berating myself for overeating, I am working to turn a “I can’t believe you ate so much” into “how interesting that I’m eating when I am not hungry”.  I have been working on that a little bit already, but it was a good reminder to read.  As the book suggests, bingeing is a coping mechanism that I learned to take care of myself for whatever reason.  My behaviors did their job in comforting me/protecting me and if I want to grow I need to continue to learn from these experiences.

I was trying to think back to the first time I had a binge.  A couple of things came to mind.  Every day when I would get home from school, I was allowed to have a snack, usually just one small treat or something.  Well, when I got to high school and was alone after school, I realized that I had freedom to eat whatever I wanted!  And if something tasted good, I could have more of it.  I don’t know if I would consider those binges or not…they didn’t come with shame or guilt.  It was just pleasureful to be able to eat so much.

My junior and senior year of high school, once we all had cars, my friends and I had fun in the freedom of going out to restaurants, especially White Castles and Denny’s which were open late.  It was so much fun the things we did when we went out together that I wouldn’t change any of it.  But I remember being on a limited budget, and always trying to get the most food I could for $5 or so…and at White Castle, that can be quite a lot!  I also remember we would sometimes order pizza, and I could really pack away the slices!  I would love it when people would comment about how skinny I was and I could eat more than anyone.  But that’s how it always was in high school; I could eat pretty much anything and didn’t have to worry about it.

It’s interesting to me, though, because there never was too much shame either in those overeating episodes…so again, I don’t think they were “binges” as much as they were just times I was with friends and overate.  Maybe that’s when I began to associate that type of behavior with feeling loved and cared for?  Maybe that’s why my first true “binges” started happening when I was alone at college. 

Who knows.  Maybe I’m just speculating.  Maybe I just want there to be some other reason for this other than it just being some type of flawed personality trait.  Either way, the book has been good so far. 

Last night, I signed up for another half-marathon: The Joker’s Wild half-marathon.  I’m super excited but nervous about the heat in the middle of July.  I’m also going to be training pretty hard and seeing how fast I can push myself for this race; I really want to make my goal of a 2-hour half-marathon this year, and I have two shots at it :)  If I make it at this race, maybe the pressure will be off a bit!  Although I heard it’s a little hilly, but I have been doing hill training so piece of cake

Have a great week everyone!  I can’t wait to hear how those races went this weekend!

This was so easy and so much fun to make.  I almost had it professionally framed, but it was around $70!!  This was about…$10?  Much better deal :)  Now to just figure out where to hang it…

The second project?  I talked to my principal the other day and she loves my idea of our school sponsoring a 5k fun run/1 mile race for the school community!!  I’m super excited.  I contacted a woman from another district who has been putting this type of thing together for years and she’s going to give me the inside scoop/all the inside secrets.  I just wish I didn’t have to wait a month to meet with her!

The last day of school was Wednesday, but I’ve been working these past two days on getting things ready for summer school.  We have a week off before it begins, but I’m still not ready so I’ll take the weekend off and then it’s back to work!  And then there are so many workshops/conferences this summer that I can’t wait to go to.  I love being busy.

Josh comes home tomorrow morning and I can’t wait to see him!!  I don’t know how we were able to stay apart for so long while I was in school! 

I’m contemplating signing up for another half-marathon that is in town this July.  The only thing I’m concerned about is the heat…but that would give me another opportunity to try to reach my sub-2 hour goal this year.  It’s so great how much I have truly come to love running…in the past, I would do 1 race a year and feel overwhelmed and burned out by the training, and this year I may be doing up to 4.  Who would have ever thought?

Is anyone else sad that tonight is Jay Leno’s last Tonight  Show?  Josh and I got to see his show live on our honeymoon in LA, and it was a blast.  We both think Conan is hilarious, but it will still be sad.

To end this very random post, I have a food pic…not mine, but of Itsy’s carob & peanut butter birthday cake (she turned 2 last week…my baby is growing up!)

Peace!

I’m learning that it’s okay for me to be uncomfortable when I run, and that I can push myself farther than I thought I could.  I’m also learning that running in the heat is MUCH tougher than running in the cold (for me at least)!  The other day I set out on a run and thought I was going to pass out after 3 miles.  So I found some hills and did a walk/hill run combo and got in some killer intervals.  It was a great workout, but lesson learned; if i want to do a long run during the summer I need to get my butt out of bed before 11 am!

This past week has been very successful for me food-wise.  Sometimes I think Vani and I share a mind, because we think about some very similar things.  Josh and I were just talking last night about how much more relaxed I’ve been around food this past week.  I’ve been eating about 1800 cals each day (my BMR + activity level) and focused on burning 500 cals a day with exercise.  I’ve also allowed myself to “bank” cals (if I only eat 1500 one day, then I can eat 2100 the next or whatever) which has been a lifesaver.  I’m slowly learning that things have a balance.  I’m not always going to eat the same amount of calories each day, and some days I won’t want to exercise (and on those days, my body won’t need as much food). 

I told him how I’ve really enjoyed being able to go out for ice cream with our friends on Friday night, and have brats at a barbeque with my parents on Saturday without totally freaking out.  I’ve just fit in more exercise and/or eased up on the cals other days when needed.  We talked about how I really need to let the past stay in the past, and take what lessons I can from my experiences.  For so long, I looked back at the time I spent on the South Beach Diet in amazement of myself, that I could go for so long without bingeing, and be so “in control”.  I’ve been saying I want nothing more than to go back to that time period, to eat how I ate and to look how I looked.  But the truth is, if I really examine the experience, I wasn’t completely happy.  I mean, I had NO ice cream for that entire period (and we all know how much I love ice cream!).  I wouldn’t go out to eat with friends, I would get anxious about summer barbeques and vacations, and I would avoid work lunches because I didn’t know what was on the menu.  Yes I was thinner and more “in control” but was I happier?  And could I really have lived the rest of my life like that?  

On the flip side, today we had an end of the year banquet at school and the only thing they had was white pasta, salad, white rolls, and dessert.  Instead of bringing a lunch and eating alone, I ate with my colleagues and got about 1/2 c. serving of pasta and a huge salad (no roll or dessert) and I was FINE.  I tend to forget about these small steps, and undermine any kind of progress like this.  Last week in getting my eating under control, I lost the 4 lbs I had gained by bingeing.  Josh was so excited for me, but I tried to rationalize it by saying that I had ONLY lost the 4 that I recently gained.  But Josh tried to straighten me out, saying that I had LOST WEIGHT.  I was moving in the right direction once again.  And I HAVE to start giving myself props for that.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Memorial Day weekend!  I hope you know that even though I don’t seem to have much to say lately, I am continually inspired by each and every one of you!!

I know it probably seems like I have been neglecting the blog lately, and I don’t mean to!  Since I’ve started the blog, posting regularly and reading other blogs has really helped me stay on-course with my goals, and the advice from all of you has been worth more than you know.  In struggling with my eating the past few weeks, I have been short on material to post about (you have listened to me complain quite enough! ;)), and I have just been dis-interested in things overall.  But I really feel like I am coming around.  It’s sinking in again.

The speedwork-training session with the running group I joined met tonight, but I decided to stay home and use the time to just relax and re-focus.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what is important to me, and what I need to do to reach my goals.  I printed off a calendar and actually wrote out my training plan for the Chicago Marathon, and that was extremely motivating to me; I need to kick it into gear pretty quickly and stop slacking if I want to meet the goals I set a few weeks back.  I don’t know why I was putting off writing the training plan…I had meant to do it weeks ago.  For some reason I kept pushing it to the bottom of my to-do list.  But you all know how much I thrive on structure, and something about having those miles committed to on a piece of paper is giving me a sense of purpose, something I have been lacking since the marathon last month (has it really been that long??).  I don’t mean to sound like my only purpose is my running (far from it!) but I am very goal-oriented and am excited to start a new round of training.

It’s so interesting to me how without that training plan, my exercise so easily falls by the wayside.  Last week I had some great workouts, because I planned them out.    Why do I feel that without it in writing, I have no obligations to stick to my goals?  Why is it that if I don’t plan out my meals meticulously, I feel that it gives me free reign to binge?  All things I am still working to understand.  I ordered a book yesterday that was recommended to me by a friend called “It’s Not About Food” that I am really looking forward to reading.  I am hesitant to believe that it will “cure” my disorder, because how many books have I read where I said, this is it!  and never binged again?  Nada.  But I will take any bit of insight it can offer, and who knows.

One last thing.  I had the thought recently that maybe this disorder is something that I have manifested in myself so that I can have this “secret”.  This secret that no one else knows; that even though someone on the outside might think my life looks so perfect…if only they knew.  In some ways, this disorder makes me feel special, and deserving of attention (as messed up as that is).  It gives me something to blame.  I mean, I have proven that I can go without bingeing.  I did it for almost a year recently.  And the thing that compelled me most to binge again was the feeling that I had lost something, lost a part of myself, in stopping the compulsive overeating.

Ok, I really need to stop thinking…I thought this would be a short post, but they never turn out that way :)  I guess that’s just a little about what’s been going on in my head.  Lots to think about and analyze (which I love to do!). 

I am taking in all you have to say, and am doing well.  I am going to try to resume food pics and exercise updates (when time allows me to!) to hold myself accountable.  My target cal intake for each day is 1800 (my BMR + activity level), and I plan on trying to burn 500 cals each day through exercise until I reach my goal weight.  But I am going to be flexible day to day, as long as I burn about 3500 cals each week and have a weekly calorie intake of 12600.  I might even weigh in tomorrow, something that I have avoided lately but need to do because I need that starting point.  I’m a little nervous about it though, so we’ll see.

Have a GREAT night.  Thanks for all you do - each and every one of you are inspiring to me and I have learned so much about myself through you in this short amount of time. 

Peace

Restaurants are a struggle lately.  It used to be so automatic for me:  if I was going out, I would order some version of a salad, or grilled chicken and veggies.  No questions asked.  Now, so many other options sound so much more appetizing!!  Especially since I discovered cheeseburgers.  I kid you not, I don’t think I had an actual cheeseburger at a restaurant until maybe a few months ago.  It just sounded good, so I ordered it.  And it was delicious!  And now I can’t stop ordering them, despite how bad they are.  I mean, I don’t get them all the time, but more than I should be.  And Josh and I LOVE to go out to eat.

I wish I could buy into the whole intuitive eating thing.  I really do.  Tonight, when we decided to go out, Josh asked what my first choice would be, and I said Applebees.  I really wanted to order a shake and a cheeseburger, probably the most unhealthy meal I could get!  I didn’t have enough calories left for all of that, but I just went with what I really wanted.  It was so good, and it was fun to go out with Josh…and while I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t feel guilty about it, it’s still hard not to feel like a failure.  All I can say is thank goodness there was no chocolate or chips in the house tonight!

I know it will be better tomorrow.  I just needed to vent.  I had a really great week this week, and did well with my food and had some intense workouts.  I don’t want to focus on just the negative (although it’s hard not to).  I keep trying to think of those workouts and how hard they were and how I pushed myself, and how that felt so much better than bingeing would.  I’ve got to keep pushing and re-learn these habits, the things that used to come so easily to me (like ordering healthy foods at restaurants).

I was sitting on our couch tonight looking at our digital photo frame, and as each pic of me flashed by, I could vividly remember the food or the binge that I have associated with whatever time I was in.  I was incredibly saddened that I keep letting thoughts of food taint the wonderful memories that I have of certain parts of my life.  It is such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I just wish things were different.

Sorry for being a downer.  I don’t understand why I let one freaking meal downgrade what really was an amazing weekend.

One last thing before I go…anyone else a Grey’s Anatomy fan?  I finally watched the season finale that I taped on Thursday, and…wow.  I’m still trying to process it all!!  I was truly shocked and saddened by the ending.  I cried the last 5 minutes of the show and although I am sad, it was an incredible finale.  What a great reminder on the shortness of life and how we need to focus on the important things.

Off to finish laundry and then to bed!  ‘Night!